Alhamdullillah, we’ve reached so far in the month of Ramadhan. Insya allah in 10 days, it’ll be Syawal.

I think time zoomed past. Bukan fly.

I don’t really have the mojo to celebrate Syawal. When i can’t fast, the significance is gone. The excitement coupled with the challenges of fasting makes it more meaningful to celebrate but without fasting, it doesn’t feel the same.

However, i want it to be as fun as possible for my triplet daughters. They have been at home most of the time, ever since i gave birth and i myself feel so rimas and pitiful for them that i can’t take them out.

I cannot take them out because i have not fully recovered. I am definitely feeling better and have went out several times to run errands but to bring them out like the times when i was pregnant with Ariz, i still cannot yet. Now if i want to bring them out with Ariz, it’s a different game all together.

Bila Ariz masih dalam perut, senang la i nak go here and there. Hold the girls hand, carry them and all. Now Ariz will be in the sling so it’s a bit tricky to handle a toddler should she want to be carried and having an infant in the sling.

Lain lah kalau ada tangan 8, macam sotong. THEN i can. All 3 dengan Ariz sekali boleh angkut.

Haha.

Like sooo happening like that hor?

LOL!

Apa nak buat. Ni dah kira my challenges that i have to go through now that i am a mother to 4 very young children. At times i feel so exhausted. Penat rabak tak terkata but it’s worth it because i penat pasal jaga anak. Bukan penat shopping! LOL! Penat shopping dengan penat jaga anak lain.

Haha.

Insya allah, i know i can manage. A few glitches here and there but insya allah i can manage. I know for sure HE doesn’t give me all these challenges for nothing. And HE won’t give us things that we cannot handle. So i just see it like that. Boleh buat, i buat. Tak boleh buat then i don’t. I don’t want to add to my stress with things yang tak worth to be stressed about.

OK, i want to share my thoughts on a few matters that have been going on these past few days.

BREASTFEEDING

I am still trying to have more milk for Ariz. I wasn’t able to breastfeed the girls so i am determined to do it with Ariz. It has been rather confusing for me even though i read books about breastfeeding. Otak tengah in a bimbo mode, apa yang i baca dengan apa yang i digest pun tak tahu. LOL!

Thankfully, my Twitter mates have been giving ideas and support on how i can increase my BM. Alhamdullillah, each time i pump, there is an increase. There is no longer a trickle. TRICKLE ok, last time when i first pumped. So unmotivating. Sekali telan aje dah gone.

But i didn’t want to give up. I got fenugreek supplements (whose smell reminded me of fish head curry pat apollo), i made and drank the longan/red dates drink daily, horlicks/milo (bercup-cup i minum!) and i didn’t drink cold drinks (ok la, except for twice, i togok my Coke sampai habis).

So all these resulted me in having extra milk when i pumped.

But when i latched him on, si Mat ni main-main. LOL! Macam nak, macam tak nak. Bila tarik, he will ngek in protest. Bila kasi, hisap sikit, he will tido.

It is very funny and frust menonggeng for me.

When he fell asleep while sucking, i macam nak rak, tickle the chin la, tickle the feet la, the ears la. Until i talk to him myself, “Brudder, nak ke taknak ni? Bila nak game?” LOL! And of course he tak faham and will continue sleeping.

Another challenge is, if i want to breastfeed him and let them take his time to suck, it can only be done when his sisters are asleep for their nap. Other times, i cannot.

Lain lah kalau he’s the only 1. I can let him take his time to suck the whole day but because he has a set of triplet sisters, i cannot.

Imagine these.

Me, cradling Ariz on my left arm while he’s sucking and my right hand, holding a book, telling stories to the girls before bedtime. The girls were literally listening to my voice, looking at the book and peering at Ariz. Peering ok? I had to use the book to cover Ariz so they don’t get distracted.

Another one was when Wiyah was throwing a tantrum in the Play Room. Asked Widi to bring her out so i can let her have her time out and she can only go back in after she has stopped her crying and whining.

I was breastfeeding Ariz with 1 hand, sama macam above and another hand holding on to Wiyah as i tried to calm her down.

You can imagine? I didn’t even realise it till i put Wiyah back into the room. Same goes for the storytelling session.

So i decided to only breastfeed him when his sisters are asleep. But as and when he’s with his sisters outside and wants a feed, then no choice lor. I’ve got to do that juggling and multi tasking act.

MOSES BASKET

Yes, he spends most of his time in the basket, sleeping. Actually it’s more of a bag than a basket, i feel. And in the house, i keep going in and out of the room with it. When his sisters bangun, i will bring him out and place him on the sofa. When they go to the playroom, he comes along. When they tido, i will bring the basket in again to my bedroom and let him sleep in his cot or my bed. Usually he sleeps with me on my bed during the day.

I’m like travelling you know, with a bag.

And he also joins us bila nak buka cos it’s dangerous to leave him in the basket alone on the sofa unattended with his 3 sisters, walaupun they are watching TV. Normally during buka, i will sit on the sofa with all 4 but on days i never eat dinner and want to eat during buka, he’ll be at the table, in that bag.

WEIGHT

I gained 5 kg during this pregnancy and i lost all of them in less than a week. Same goes for the time when i was with the girls. I gained 16kg and lost all of it in a week.

I attributed all of it to water retention. Yes, i had more water than fats, which was why i was able to lose weight that fast.

I remembered after giving birth to the girls, i would be very itchy, especially at my legs and i feel macam ada banyak air. True enough, water retention.

But for this pregnancy, it went off just like that.

I have always been on the heavy side. Yes, i was. Even in my wedding pictures, can see my tembamness. Sungguh terserlah.

Haha.

Pregnancy changed all that. Suddenly i have people commenting i am small sized. They see me as small, no longer big.

The wonders of pregnancy and the changes they bring to our bodies.

STRETCH MARKS

I had no stretch marks for this pregnancy. The cocoa butter from Body Shop helps a lot. But i also think my womb and tummy has been stretched tahap maksima when i was with the girls. Well, it was A triplet pregnancy. Expected to have lots of stretch marks but i was lucky to escape with a few. Yes, a few on both my sides.

They say the stretchmarks are every mother’s battle scars.

For me, my c-sect scar is my battle scar with the girls. For Ariz, err, it’s another scar.

Hurhur.

MANAGEMENT

Time management actually. Now i cannot slack. You know like, rasa nak bangun pukul berapa and all. I cannot and have not been doing that ever since my daughters are on a routine. I make sure that whenever they are up and running, i am with them. Never did once when they are up and i am still sleeping.Even when i just got back from KK after giving birth to Ariz. Walaupun i cannot do anything physical, i just make it a point to be there.

But now with Ariz around, i got to be more strict with my timing. No more 5 or 10 minute allowances for Ariz. It’s either he gets ready before or after his sisters.

His sisters routine are not touched at all. It’s to fit him into the routine and making sure everything goes smoothly is another matter.

I cannot delay because if i delay, it might mean Widi will not be able to finish up her cleaning, the girls might not have anyone tend to them while Widi is busy showering 1 of them.

Very mind boggling.

Like they will wake up at 7.30am and mandi at 8am. I myself have got to get ready and bathe way earlier. Ariz, it’s either that i mandikan dia before 7.30am or at 10am, when his sisters are sleeping. His routine, i belum tetapkan lagi. I’m still trying it out. Trial and error and so far i have yet to fix something for him but i hope to do it soon.

BATHING

I like to mandikan Ariz. I made my mum show me how to mandikan dia. Last time with the girls, when they just came back from NUH, one by one, they were still very small. I wasn’t confident of showering them till they got a big bigger then i mandikan.

For Ariz, my mum showered him the first few days then i took over. I enjoyed it very much. He cries when the water is too cold. My bad lah, that one. Siapkan air memang air suam, by the time i dilly dally, masukkan kaki dia kat dalam, air dah sejuk. Mana tak terpekik.

Haha.

I will hold his hands whenever he’s like terperanjat, call his name many times, call him sayang, splash the water slowly and gently up his body. Really enjoy doing that with him.

REST

Rest as in, my own personal time, is when all my 4 children are asleep. Usually during the girls’ nap and bed time.

But there were instances where they are asleep but my Mat belum tido so i will layan him.

Kadang-kadang, it feels macam tak game-game you know.

I will layan the girls when they are awake. When they sleep, i layan Ariz. Then the girls+Ariz and goes on sampai they go to sleep. Then kena layan my husband pulak.

It can be very exhausting. Macam tak stop-stop.

This, i have yet to tackle. How i can make sure i spend time with the girls, Ariz, my husband, managing the household and still have my own ME time.

I need to have my own ME time. Tak payah lama-lama. As long as i feel rejuvenated, i am ok to go back to my priorities. I just don’t want to be burnt out because i see myself as the pillar in the house since my husband is out working. If i fumble, so will the rest.

So i die-die cannot fumble. I die-die must make sure i have a bit of time out for myself daily so i can function normally as a mother and wife.

Penat kan baca?

LOL!

I feel like my whole day is segregated to different people at different timings. I’m trying to cope and shift focus to each of my 4 children.

Previously before Ariz arrives, my time was spent solely on them. I see them, i interact with them, the attention is there.

Now that Ariz is here, i find myself like, drifting apart from them. The 3 days that i wasn’t home – it seems like my daughters just had a growth spurt.

Macam i didn’t realise that Sarah is getting taller and sturdier. Jannah is getting heavier and just as sturdy too. She is too heavy for me that when i carried her to her cot, i could feel a blood clot coming out. Wiyah’s legs seem to have grown longer and bigger.

Just what is happening? Did i miss a lot during the 3 days of absence? Or did i miss out more even when i’m back?

After a week at home with my mum around, i find myself focusing more on Ariz and myself. Priority should be there since he is still an infant. Only a week old infant but at the same time, it’s not a good reason for ME to somehow…..have less focus on the girls.

And i feel guilty.

I wish i know i have the answer and what to do. Like divide myself up equally amongst my 4 children. That is not even inclusive of my husband, the household matters, my maid and many more.

Just how did i cope? And how can i cope better?

No, i am not out to prove that i’m a superwoman or a supermom. I am not. Honestly i am not. I am just any ordinary mother, just like all mothers out there. I am just doing my best for my children.

That’s all.

I do get tired. I do get otak jam. I do get frustrated. I do. I’m not like 100% in a super positive mode all the time.

I do need my time out as well.

But it’s hard. It’s just hard.

If i want, i just wish that i can be alone. Alone to have my own quiet time. To sleep for as long as i want to without having to think of anything.

But i can’t. I just can’t.

There’ll be a nagging voice telling me that my children needs me. All 4 of them. If i falter, then who will tend to them?

Sometimes i just feel exhausted. Emotionally, intellectually and physically.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my children. I love them to death. Each and every one of them and as their mother, i am responsible for them.

It’s just that when you get exhausted or suddenly there’s an overflow of information that i need to digest from this person or that person, it makes me more….frustrated.

Like, please. I am just a mother and i can do so many things. So many things doesn’t mean everything and if i had to be relied on everthing, i can just die.

Really.

Sometimes the overwhelming feeling is so strong but i’ve managed to keep it in check. Besides being tired physically tending to my 4 children, i also get tired emotionally and intellectually.

Emotionally because it’s the easier outlet for me to release all the pent up frustrations. Just cry as much as i want. I don’t hurt anyone or myself. Once i’m done, i wipe my tears and continue with my daily chores.

Intellectually because i keep thinking on how to improve things for everyone. Make my home a better place to live in. Create more activities for the girls so they won’t be so bored playing with the same old stuff. Teach the girls more things while Ariz is asleep.

………………………………

Oh well.

It has been a week since i last gave birth. Macam cepat kan time past by?

Tahu-tahu it’ll be raya, then he’ll turn a month old then his sisters will turn 2 years old.

It has been surreal for me. A new realization that i’m no longer a mother to a set of triplets but also a mother to ANOTHER baby boy.

Total, anak saya dah empat orang.

Empat nyah, empat!

For those who read my blog dari zaman dahulu kala, you’ve known me as the only married Saudari Lee who always blog about hmmm, what eh? My husband i think. And food. And other funny things. I can’t remember that much already.

And tahu-tahu i got a set of triplets. Then another one.

Nasib baik takde ANOTHER one.

Hahaha.

And now i am now as Saudari Lee, the Mak Anak Empat.

Ariz has been settling down fine. So far, he has been an easy baby. He sleeps a lot. Well, all infants sleeps a lot. Wait till he gets older.

Cries only when he wants milk, poo-ed or when he’s irritated by the loud noise. Well, this loud noise thing, i can’t do much la. What does he expect, he has 3 sisters at home. With 3 sisters, mana boleh ada noise control. When they chat or play, dah macam reban ayam. Pot pet pot pet, plus my constant ‘Nur Sarah!’ ‘Nur Jannah!’ or ‘Wiyah!’

That’s like my SOP daily, without fail.

He has been sleeping with me on my bed every night, just because i don’t feel at ease yet to leave him in the cot on his own. It’s also because during the earlier days when i got home, it hurts to walk or sit and stand up. It just feels so sore down there. If i put him in the cot, if he cries, i nak bangun aje dah rasa sakit, add sleepiness to it, i don’t think i can do it so i prefer him to be close to me.

He has also been having jaundice and his level is slowly going up. It has been thrice since his heels were pricked for the irritating blood tests. Hearing him cry breaks my heart. And it worries me that his jaundice is  not clear but i do know that insya allah he’ll be ok. Jaundice is very normal with newborn babies so i should just upkeep with whatever i am doing now to help reduce his jaundice level.

I am happy that he looks like me. I think so lah because he looks nothing like my husband, except that he inherits his father’s dimples. And he is just as mengeryam as i am. Bedung ketat pun tangan boleh terkeluar. And those legs are always kicking! No wonder la my rib cage on the right side selalu kena and my perut rasa macam washing machine.

His sisters love him. Alhamdullillah, all 3 didn’t show any signs of jealousy or don’t like his presence and whatnots. Sarah and Jannah has been particularly caring. Whenever he cries, they will go to him and put their fingers  to their lips and go ‘Shhh!‘ They will also pat him, like how i taught them. Showering him with kisses whenever he’s outside them them. Wiyah on the other hand, the 1st 2 days she was ok.

Till she heard him cry. When he cried, she cried too. She looked so sad when he was crying. Makcik ni sorang feeling jiwa retak kind. Sooo sensitive. And i observed each time he cries, her face will change too, no matter where she was. As long as she can hear him, she will also start to feeling meeling.

I don’t want to push my daughters because teaching them the concept of having another sibling is still deep for them. After all, they are only 19months old. I can only show them how they should love and take care of Ariz so as they grow, they’ll realise that this mat is their brother.

However, currently all 3 are having flu like symptoms. Wiyah is worst hit. She has been having it for days and if by tomorrow it’s not clear, i’ll have to bring her to the doctor. Jannah tonight suddenly there’s an increase in her temperature so i really have to keep an eye on them so they’ll get well fast.

I am still bent on trying to breastfeeed Ariz too. I don’t have that much milk but with the advice that i received from my Twitter friends, i managed to pump out a bit more milk. Walaupun it’s a bit, but it’s more than the previous days and i’m very motivated to keep it up. I even got the fenugreek capsules for me to eat daily, just to have abundance of milk supply.

Cakap macam dari Persatuan Lembu-Lembu eh?

Haha.

Lembu pun lembu lar..

The thing abut fenugreek is, it reminds me so much of Apollo Fish Head Curry. LOL! I buay tahan the smell but pasal anak, akan ku telan jugak.

17th August 2010

On this day, i had all my things ready. All the nitty gritty things dumped into my E-bag, made sure all the essentials for the girls are all topped up, last minute instructions given to Widi, should i get myself admitted that very afternoon.

Earlier on during the day, i was very emotional. Actually, it started the night before. I can’t remember what i was so upset about but i could only remember that i went to bed around 9+pm and spent the next 3 hours crying till after midnight. I just don’t know why.

Yes, it was that serious.

So in the morning, after i put the girls in for their morning nap, i surfed the Net and looked for Pre Natal Blues. Yes, i think i was suffering from that and it might have been quite serious because i even had thoughts of hurting myself.

I never experienced it before. During my pregnancy with the girls, i had no depression. I was happy and ok throughout. This pregnancy hit me bad.

Maybe it could be i was pregnant with a boy. Maybe it could be the toll that it was taking on me for being alone most of the time. Maybe it could be the overwhelming phyiscal tiredness from caring for my triplets as well as my pregnancy on my own. Well, my husband is there but not physically there. He comes home on weekends but weekends are just so short for me to even rest properly.

Could be the pregnancy hormones.

It could be any of these reasons above.

Anyway, my father in law came over to help me babysit the girls while i was getting ready to make my way to KK.

Before i got ready, i spent my so-called last afternoon, lying down sideways while they were playing in the playroom. I had a funny feeling about being admitted to KK that day. So i spent that 1 hour with them, playing so much and when i put them in for their afternoon nap, i gave each one a hug, a kiss and cried yet again.

I just feel so sad about leaving them. That i might get myself admitted on that same day. That i won’t be around for them for at least 3days.

After a good cry, i made my way to KK alone.

The last picture of me, 37weeks and 4days pregnant

After a check by Dr June, i was told that i was already 2cm dilated but because i wasn’t feeling any pain in anyway, i was asked to go home and just look out for more signs. The baby weighed at 2.7kg and i had a pretty good chance of going through a vaginal delivery.

My husband came after my check up and brought me home. My in laws were around because they came over for Iftar at my place.

After the Iftar, after all the playing with the girls and after settling them in, i went to the toilet, only to discover my pantyliner was soaked with blood.

That was A sign. But because i didn’t feel any pain, i asked my husband to sleep first while i rested in the living room.

I tweeted about my discovery and was advised to go to KK asap. And so i asked my nervous husband (cos he kept burping and wanting to puke) to quickly get ready to go to KK. He took so long to get ready, macam nak pegi jemputan!

Even along the way, he can still stop to top up petrol and buy chocolates for me!

Hai bang!

So we arrived in KK, checked in the labour ward, had the CTG strapped to me and was told to rest and wait. By then, my cervix was already 4cm dlated. Both of us drifted in and out of sleep because the midwife kept going in and out of the room.

18th august 2010

I was anxious to meet Dr June because from the night before till 8+in the morning, i still have yet to feel any pain and my waterbag didn’t burst at all.

But she finally came in at exactly 9am, checked in on me, asked the midwife to put the sickening drip and straightaway burst my waterbag.

That was my first experience of feeling it. Macam kencing tak habis-habis.

She said, “Ok, your labour starts now. We’ll just wait till your cervix opens up more.”

I was anticipating while watching the clock. Even with my waterbag burst, i still didn’t feel any pain.

Waited and waited till about 1pm and they did a VE check on me, i was still 4cm dilated.

WHAT? From last night till 1pm the next day still 4cm dilated? Sedihnya! Bila nak game like that?

And so Dr June instructed the midwife to add the oxytoxin to my drip. Before that, the midwife did ask if i wanted Epidural but i wanted to have a taste of the pain. Not knowing how hard the pain will hit me.

I have a high threshold for pain, considering with all the injections and surgeries i had to go through to conceive the girls but i guess my threshold masih not that high.

Masih belum tahap maksima.

Haha.

After that oxytoxin was added, i felt the contractions getting more painful but in a slowly. Each time the pain came, i could only grip with my right hand. Left hand dah kena drip, perut dah ada CTG, how to turn over or cringe or bite or do other things? I cannot. I could only hold on to the handle of the bed or occassionally hold my husband’s hand.

My husband pulak, can still sit in the sofa, watching TV while i deal with the pain. Actually i didn’t call out for him. I didn’t scream or whatever. I tried to deal the pain on my own. When he heard my groans, then he came over to extend his hand.

But still, it just doesn’t help.

By about 2.30pm, i couldn’t take the pain anymore. It was like having your back and your womb squeezed very hard and with my position and the drip and the ctg, i cannot do what i like to tahan the pain.

IT WAS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PAINFUL la.

(Kudos to all mothers who went through their vaginal deliveries without epidural. I really admire your courage to endure and i really salute you ladies for being able to tahan the pain tahap maksima.)

I first told my husband that i think i need the epidural. He can tell me that he’ll be there for me, don’t worry, i can handle the pain. Or so i thought.

He tried to talk me out of it. He said he’ll be with me lah, don’t worry i can do it lah, reminded me that Lynn didn’t take epidural la and alllll la, hoping i won’t take the epidural.

Till the next contraction came. Hah kau. I practically screamed at him to get the midwife in to tell her i want that epidural. He actually scooted out of the room so fast to get her.

LOL!

At 2.15pm, a doctor came in to administer the epidural. This would be my 2nd time taking the epidural and it hurt when it was injected into my spine, unlike my 1st one. I felt like a jolt of electric shock near my knees.

After all has been done, then i was able to rest and even sleep! The wonders of epidural!

As i slept, the midwife came in to check my cervix.

By 3pm, i was 6cm dilated.

5pm, 8cm dilated.

6pm, 9cm dilated.

The midwife turned off my epi at 5.30pm. Nasib baik i will only feel the effects after an hour or so. I was so worried you know. When my husband said the epi dah tinggal sikit, i asked the midwife if there is a need to top up and she said no need cos by the time the epi habis, i would be 10cm dilated and it’s show time liao.

And there i was, the bimbo me, thought i can happy-happy push with epidural and i won’t have to feel the pains from the contractions.

Like, in my dreams ya?

Haha.

About this epidural, it makes u numb. It lets me relax and it helps me get a bit more sleep so i can get the energy to push later. But halfway through the shiokness, i could still feel the contractions. Tak sakit but i can still feel the ’squeezing’ so i told my husband of my discovery that even if with epidural i still can feel these contractions, it means the contractions are really, really painful.

He nodded in agreement. If only he can feel my contractions, THEN he’ll know.

I only started to feel the full pain from the contractions after 7.30pm. By then, another midwife took over and she taught me how to push.

Again, the bimbo me thought i can suka-suka push as and when i like. Then she said i’m to push when i feel the contractions coming.

Ohhh.

Then bila tengah practise nak push, i breathed wrongly. LOL!

Really! The only thing i had in my mind was the breathing ala 3 Little Pigs aka the wolf bila nak blow everything down because that was precisely what i have been doing with my daughters each time we talked about the 3 Little Pigs.

All that huff and puff. Ape jer.

Then my midwife say

“WRONG. DON’T BREATHE IN AND OUT LIKE THAT.”

Orrh.

“You must put your head to your chest like want to do push up then when you breathe out, don’t make any sound/noise.”

Orrh.

So we practised. I got it wrong thrice and during my 4th try, she said she can see Ariz’s hair so off she left me with my husband and got Dr June to come up.

She asked me not to push and tahan sampai doktor naik. Then my husband pulak pandai-pandai, ask me to push when Dr June and the midwife takde.

I just glared at him.

Dr June came up at 8pm. She was still in her cheery smile, in her baju lawa, put on her apron, rolled up her sleeves and came up to me.

Then when the contractions came, my husband, the midwife and Dr June took their places. I couldn’t see what was going on and i was veryyyy far from being malu. I just wanted to concentrate on getting my son out because i really buay tahan the pain already.

By 8.16pm, he was out, syukur alhamdullillah.

At my 3rd push, his head was out. I couldn’t even feel it, much less see his head. Pushed 1 more time, the rest of his body tumbled out. It was such a relief! Rasa macam like 1 big jackfruit just came out of me.

Dr June actually put Ariz right on top of my chest after she cut his cord. I was like panting after the push and when i saw him, i just wanted to cry.

My son. Whom i’ve safely delivered vaginally.

Alhamdullillah.

And i pushed 1 more time for the placenta. When it’s out, it’s like a closure.

I’M SO DONE.

I wouldn’t have made it without the support that i get from my husband, who was with me the entire time. Dari tak takut pun dia jadi takut. He witnessed the whole birth and he very bravely didn’t puke or burp or anything. It must have been an experience for him, just as it’s an experience for me.

Dr June and the midwife also helped me a lot in encouraging me in that final stage of pushing. I’m glad that i didn’t take too long to push him too long and everything was over quite fast. Doctor pun boleh balik awal, i pun happy dah beranak.

And if i knew, i would have taken the epidural waaaaaaaaaay earlier.

Thank you to my parents, who stayed at my place for that 3 days to care for my daughters. My father even took unpaid leave to help my mum. I can never repay their kindness. Never.

Thank you to my Twitter friends who kept me company when i was still painless on the hospital bed. LOL! They were like egging me on while i was waiting for my cervix to dilate further.

In all, i am very thankful to HIM for making it possible for me to go this far.

Alhamdullillah.

With HIS blessings, i was able to endure and take care of this pregnancy while still caring for my triplets up to that very last day. With HIS blessings, i was also able to go through a VBAC successfully. And with HIS blessings, i was able to give birth to healthy baby boy.

And to the rest of you, who reads my blog, thank you too for your kind doa’s, emails, smses for me to have a safe delivery.

Thank you so much Huda, whoever you are!

Yes, alhamdullillah.

I’ve safely given birth to my son, Ariz Mikhael Bin Mohamad Zaid on 18th August 2010 at 8.16pm at KKH.

He weighs 3.04kg at birth and i managed to have a VBAC too.

Syukur Alhamdulllillah.

Now i’m back home with the rest of my daughters and recuperating well.

PS: labour story – akan datang.

Looking at these pictures makes me smile and makes me feel a whole lot better.

Makes me feel whatever i am doing now, whatever i am sacrificing now is worth it.

I cannot falter. Even if i feel like i am, i cannot.

Now it’s just for them. And also for the one in my womb.

If i can pull through during their 1st year and trudged on, i can do it now.

I must.

Before i start, a special congrats to Suraya, who has just given birth to her baby boy Raihan this morning with just under 1 hour of labour at the hospital, alhamdullillah! Steady kan?! Very proud of you makcik! Pekik-pekik pun in 1 hour, he’s out! All the pekik was very worth it lor!

*hugs*

Extremely happy for her and Khai. Enjoy your new bundle of joy!

For myself, i feel nervous because all the ladies i know have already given birth and next’s up, me.

I’ve hit my 37th week mark last Friday and tomorrow i’m going to have my checkup in the afternoon. I am nervous because my turn is coming and i am also nervous at the thought of handling 4 kids.

No joke. Definitely no joke.

Ok lah. I don’t want to further frighten myself. Let’s just frighten myself with this upcoming thought of giving birth first. Dah selamat beranak, then i’ll frighten myself again, part 2 later.

Haha.

Luckily my husband will get 3 days of paternity leave. Luckily he is starting his 1 month OJT tomorrow which meant he can come home daily (yes, NO escape from night feeding and changing of diapers especially). Luckily my mum will be around to help me with the girls and insya allah beraya at my place.

About this changing of diapers, NOW i remembered that he has not changed a single dirty diaper for the longest time. Especially since we have a maid at home. Sungguh lemak sekarli.

Just like the other day when we went out with Sarah, just us 3 and i reminded him that she has not pooed so if she pooed, he’ll have to change her.

“Hah? Me?”

“Ya. Then me? Ni amacam?” I pointed to my bump.

“How?”

“Like that lah.”

“Where?”

“Jamban laaaa!”

*slaps forehead*

Then i went out describing how he should do it with just 1 clean diaper and a pack of wet wipes. He turned to Sarah, whom he was carrying and said to her, “Sarah, you better don’t berak.”

Tsk.

I know he don’t like to change dirty diapers. I also don’t like what. Siapa sey suka tukar pampers, especially after they pooed? Mana ada orang dapat semacam thrill bila tukar atau nak cebok lepas berak? Lagi-lagi bila baru habis makan?

*rolls eyes*

Changing of diapers and feeding (don’t care who is with the boobs la. milk can perah and put in bottle then can still HELP to feed what) should be BOTH parents duty.

Kalau semua mak nak kena buat, pengsan lah kan. Dah lah mengandung for 9 bulan, nak melahirkan, nak baik dari semua sakit-sakit dan bengkak-bengkak kat mana-mana then takkan tukar pampers dengan bangun malam nak kasi susu malam-malam tak boleh tolong?

But i know my husband will help insya allah. IF he nak try escape, i will make sure he takkan ada chance langsung.

Haha.

I am just thankful that i can get a bit of help here and there. If i can’t, then i’ll just have to learn how to manage. I’ve already discussed with my husband that the girls routine should not be disturbed and they shouldn’t be taken anywhere should i give birth and had to stay in KK for a few days. I don’t want things to go haywire because it’s going to be chaotic if we let that happen. Especially after i’ve come back and i’ve got to settle my boy and myself down first. The ones who will have difficulty with the girls should their routines be messed up will be my mother and Widi. So as much as possible, i want things to stay as it is for them.

Just me being crazy with all these happenings is enough. I don’t want those helping me to be crazy sekali. They want to help so i should try my best to make things easier for them to help out.

I’ve also got to get to know my boy first. Once i’ve figured him out, then insya allah i should know what to do with him. And include him with his sister’s routine. That, i must make sure because he have to fit into their routine, not they fit into his.

I realized this when a few months after giving birth to the girls and i read a particular book, which shared that newborns are to fit into the parent’s way of life, not the other way around. We, as their parents, guide them to adapt to our style and how we do things.

I’m only currently very clueless as to how interact with my girls and breastfeed at the same time. That is if i can successfully breastfeed. Yes, i want to try with him. I’ve read up a lot on breastfeeding and particularly from Hana’s blog which has helped me a lot.

Macam mana eh, nak buat activities with 1 infant at my boob?  Haha. I cannot imagine. Nak berbual dengan anak, anak lagi satu terstuck tengah minum susu. How ah?

If doing housework or do other things, i can imagine. I can visualise how it’ll be. But if i’m with my daughters, howwww like that? Got 3 some more you know, not 1.

Lagi-lagi breastfeeding is like feeding on demand, not as in bottle feeding where they’ll get hungry like a predicted 3hourly.

Sungguh memeningkan.

I need to know or at least visualise things that might happen so i’m prepared. But for this 1 thing, i am not prepared.

I am also clueless as to how to sleep train him when he’s on BM.

Haiz. Must read up more.

Anyway, i took the girls for a haircut because their hair were getting too long and they were like very rimas. I tengok pun rimas because they are not really a fan of hairclips, especially Jannah.

So we took them to Supercuts at Compass Point. Their 1st time cutting hair at a salon and it was very expensive but i don’t mind. 1st time kira close eyes la. After that, kedai mana-mana pun boleh asalkan rambut dah potong. Nak nangis, nangis la. LOL!

I think it’s important to let them not have fear when they have their hair cut but it also depends on the child. I’ve seen little children crying and bawling their eyes out when it’s time for a haircut and it’s traumatising, for the child and of course for the mothers la!

Kira ni cuma nak gunting rambut tau, bukan nak gunting telinga, dah melalak and they got so scared. Kita ni lagi, the mothers, tengok anak nangis macam tu,jadi  lagi takut! LOL!

Which was why i told my husband, takpe lah, sacrifice that $$ just for them to have a good 1st experience at a hair salon.

Sarah only had a trim because she had very little hair.

And alhamdullillah, all 3 didn’t cry at all, which left me surprised because i expected them to cry. The hairstylist was very good. She was very fast and snip, snip, snip all the way. For each one, they were done within 5 minutes.

Now all 3 look boyish. I don’t mind because they ARE girls anyway. Girls tak semestinya rambut macam Dayang Senandong per. Dah besar sikit, tahu nak ikat rambut, pakai hairclip segala, tak rasa rimas, simpan lah macam Rapunzel.

Ok la. Please wish me luck for tomorrow, that i don’t have to be warded for anything. I just want to go for a checkup, see how my boy is, then balik.

Insya allah.

Exactly 3 more weeks to go before my EDD on the 3rd of Sept, insya allah.

But if he is coming out earlier or later, i accept it. Just as long as he is healthy and OK.

I am very nervous but am terribly excited welcoming this new family member of mine.

I don’t dare to think how i am going to cope with a set of toddler triplets and an infant at home with just my maid and me but insya allah, i know i’ll pull through.

With HIS guidance, insya allah, i’ll pull through.

I appreciate all the kind offers to assist me should my husband not be around. You know who you are and i am terribly touched. I don’t even know some of you but you have been kind to offer your assistance.

To my online friends, my tweetheart kakis, thank you so much for accompanying me to makan, buy things for me, giving me lots of encouragement cum nagging (haha!) on Twitter/Watsapp and being all excited for me.

Yes, i know all of you remember my infamous Jamban BBDC’s tweet and that time has passed very, very fast. It’s like just yesterday i tweeted about my shock discovery of this 2nd pregnancy. And i went home in a daze, pondering and thinking over kway teow and kopi.

That was a classic tweet.

Hurhur.

I can’t thank you ladies enough.

*group hug*

For now, the waiting game starts.

It’s going to be one long entry with many, many pictures. They might not look great as i took them with my iPhone but jadi lah.  My Canon camera seems so lembab nak start up. Macam mintak tukar baru.

Hurhurhur.

I just feel like blogging about today.

This morning, as usual, i was thinking about what to cook for myself and the girls. Widi is easy because she prefers to eat rice with lots of vegetables and she tak se-cerewet saya. Even though i planned a menu for the girls, i find myself not following it so it’s like redundant la. I think maybe it’s because of my tastebuds or moods that i tend to want to cook lain what i have already planned.

Just like if i ask for your opinion, which colour is nice, black or red? If you choose red, i tend to pick the black.

I KNOW. LOL! So buang current to tanya and you lagi buang current to answer kan!

Hahaha.

Apa nak buat? Dah memang i’m like that.

Anyway, my mind was set on making Badoque’s Prawn Aglio Olio. My online Twitter friends, Rini and Lina were kind enough to share their recipes with me so i used both recipes as a guide. I need to do some marketing as well so off i went to Punggol Plaza.

I actually tawakal and prayed that nothing will happen when i do my marketing as i know my body is physically giving way. But pasal nak makan untuk diri sendiri, nak beli untuk anak dan maid sekali, i tekad and just left the house with my slingbag.

Before that,

my current pregnant state at 37weeks.

Because i dont have any extra trolley at home, i got this first before i started my marketing.

Very chio right? $19.90 aje! I like!

After i went through the whole of NTUC and got my stash, i slowly made my way down to hail a cab instead of taking the LRT home. I felt like i will not be able to take it if i took the LRT home. My hands and feet started to feel macam ada some form of blood rush and my pelvic area felt strained.

So i waited for a cab. And while waiting, i had a tummy ache. Felt like crying there and then because i felt so helpless. Nak tunggu teksi lepas tu nak terberak pulak. When i didn’t even drink kopi at all in the first place!

I really thought something will happen to me while waiting for the cab. I couldn’t stand the pain and also the tiredness from all the standing.

Then, a cab came. The taxi driver was so nice. He was actually from the opposite side of the road and made a U-turn to pick me up. He also helped me with the trolley. I  was so grateful i kept thanking him so many times and even wrote a short commendable thank you email to Comfort when i got home.

After i settled everything down and cooked for the girls, i went to my room and cried for a while. It was such a close shave. It was a risk that i took for going out to do marketing even when i know my body physically is no longer up to it. My husband called me just when i went to my room and then dia pun dengar lah, bini dia nangis macam nak rak.

He consoled me when i was crying but when i was ok, kena marah pulak! LOL! Kena marah for still being so stubborn and wanting to go out to yaya do marketing.

OK la, i knew i deserved that scolding because i really should just rest and stayed home.

Dah feel a bit better, i went to the kitchen and started whipping up my Prawn Aglio Olio.

It is very easy to make, tastes just as good as Badoque’s. I don’t have to go there or even order from Pastamania anymore! Happy sekarli! I used 8 cili padis but it tasted like nothing. Like what my friend Percicilan said, for us Chili Professionals, it should be 15 and beyond.

Hahaha.

And i have never been a fan of food that is too oily but this dish is the only dish that i don’t mind ada berlambak minyak. Tapi ni minyak special ok? Extra Virgin lagi!

After i was done, i told Widi that i cannot help her to sit with the girls during lunch as i need to really rest. So the girls were fed today while i rested my feet and alhamdullillah, i felt much better.

Felt much better, yes but at the same time, felt sad because haiz. Entah don’t know how many times i mentioned this and maybe u baca pun u boring.

My guilty feeling.

I do think that i have given my best though. I have gone this far to be with the girls and do my usual daily activities with them till now. Now as i turned 37 weeks pregnant.

Because i am going to be a mother to 4 children, i have to be fair. I cannot just layan the girls at the expense of my boy’s health and vice versa. So far i think i have done a considerable amount of fair job to all 4. I dare not push myself further because i know my limits.

I am lucky in a sense none of my daughters are clingy as in want to berkepit all the time. They are happy to go about playing on their own while i lie down to rest.

OK, pasal dah penat and i have yet to have my dinner, i’ll just share the pictures that i took today.

Miss Nur Jannah baru habis mandi. Sesegar bunga kembang malam!

They can sit quietly on the sofa to watch TV with me. Ni, watching Hi-5 after so long.

Berdoa sambil menonton TV. She’s the only one who will automatically put her hands up when she hears the Azan.

In their playroom

You can see i was able to snap more of Jannah’s pictures. This makcik is very playful. She likes to play near me and all. It’s hard to take a picture of Sarah because she is like, everywhere and always on the move. Wiyah, when i want to snap her picture, ada aje benda cover muka dia. Rambut la, bola la, she hide her face in my pillow pasal nak lepak la.

In their bedroom

And with that, i kissed each one good night, gave a hi-5 and left their bedroom.

Tomorrow, a brand new day awaits me.